Holiday Movie Guide

by Brian Eggert
12/7/2007

All seasons come with their own set of movies (Halloween horror, summer blockbuster, etc.), but none so pronounced as the winter holiday season. Christmas movies play regularly on television, as do the annual small-screen specials. I’ve come to find my own niche of Christmastime programming, viewed once a year to get in the spirit, as I imagine your family does also. You might not see your favorite holiday movie below; I’m sure I’ll get emails asking about the absences of Bad Santa, The Santa Clause, or whatever your picks would be. But by all means, if you want to share your own selections, email me.



Batman: The Animated Series

Episode: "Christmas with The Joker" (1992)

In this episode of the award-winning animated series from the 1990s, The Joker escapes Arkham Asylum, kidnaps Commissioner Gordon and his family, and threatens to blow them up Christmas Eve night on live television unless Batman can find them in time. Laden with It’s a Wonderful Life references, Christmas carols, and the series’ signature maturity, this episode offers pure escapist entertainment, rather than your typical cheer. There’s no warm and fuzzy Christmastime clemency between Batman and The Joker; we suspect that the holiday might actually provoke the conflict. Case in point: What could be worse for Bats than the sadistic Joker, expertly voiced by Mark Hamill, singing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, the Batmobile lost a wheel, and the Joker got away!”



 
A Christmas Story (1983)

I don’t know how popular this movie was upon its initial release, but it’s prestige over the years have made it the holiday movie. Almost impossible to avoid this time of year thanks to virtually constant television airings, A Christmas Story features quintessential notes on the classical family Christmastime experience. Who didn’t have that one present long desired for the weeks, even months before The Big Day? For me, it was no Red Ryder BB-gun, but a G.I. Joe Apache helicopter with “realistic” electronic sounds and spring-firing projectile missiles. Like Ralphie, I too received my ideal gift, but without having to endure a pink bunny costume. From getting your tongue stuck to a cold metal pole (something I’ve done myself, regrettably), to the creepy mall Santa Claus experience, its familiar subject happily creates a warm and fuzzy feeling each year, far beyond any other Christmas movie.






Die Hard (1988)
I know, I know. How could such a violent movie epitomize the holiday season? But underneath Euro-trash terrorists and bloody shootouts, Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” and various other carols flood Die Hard’s the soundtrack, escort John McClane through this action-packed blockbuster, and keep the Christmas spirit alive and well. When that elevator opens with a dead terrorist inside, on whose shirt reads the words “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho,” who doesn’t want to sip eggnog, roast chestnuts, and eat sugarplums? It just gives me that feeling of a toasty, wintry evening. Anyway, avoid Die Hard 2: Die Harder, even though its holiday themes and snowy scenery speaks more to Christmas movie ideals; it’s just plain bad. With the original, not only do we have an expertly filmed action yarn, but a curious alternative to the traditionally high-spirited holiday selection.




Elf (2003)
“Good news! I saw a dog today!” I love this movie. Will Ferrell’s performance contains freakishly enthusiastic devotion, birthing hearty laughs. I’d like to think Buddy the Elf represents a minute part of anyone celebrating the holidays, but not everyone cares about Christmas Grams or hugging so much these days. I confess, I learned a lot from this movie. I learned that the four basic food groups are actually candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup. And though I have yet to try Buddy’s breakfast pasta with candy, syrup, Pop Tarts, and cereal, I imagine it’s great eating. I find that emulating Buddy helps bring out the best in people. For instance, try answering the phone “Buddy the Elf. What’s your favorite color?” and you’re bound to get an interesting response.




A Garfield Christmas (1987)
I can’t help but be astounded by this television special’s honesty and admitted greed. Garfield doesn’t pretend Christmas is about religion, rather acknowledges what we all care most about: presents. This is punctuated by the song “Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme,” possibly my favorite Christmas carol, performed by Lou Rawls. The story follows John, Garfield, and Odie up to Grandma’s, where we meet the mostly noseless Arbuckle family. In this 22-minute event, John and Doc Boy act like doofs, Odie is up to something in the garage, and Garfield might actually commit his first selfless act. They’ve stopped airing it on television, probably for the reason that it promotes materialism in a time of giving. Incidentally, there’s a DVD available now (order it HERE) that includes all the Garfield holiday specials. Sing “Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, Gimme” to someone special and perhaps you’ll get it in your stocking.




Gremlins (1984)

Like Die Hard, this movie entertains more than it inspires holiday cheer. How can there be a happy Christmas when green creatures terrorize your girlfriend or hang your dog up with Christmas lights? Along with Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, it's is responsible for the invention of the PG-13 rating. After all, a whole town is virtually slaughtered by these little monsters. Its dark humor and energetic production (Steven Spielberg was executive producer, so keep your eyes open for numerous Spielberg-centric references) make for surprising laughs, even cuteness. I admit, I was one of thousands of children who owned a Gizmo stuffed animal—except, if you exposed my version to bright light, gave him a bath, or fed him after midnight, all would remain well.



Home Alone (1990)
This year, I recommend you play “Home Alone in the Read World.” It’s a fun game where you imagine what would happen to Kevin McCallister if the events in this movie occurred in actual reality, instead of movie reality. For example, if Kevin had really taken a toboggan down the stairs, he probably would have crashed and broken his neck. Surely he would’ve been caught by the police after stealing that toothbrush. And you just know if Harry and Marv were any kind of burglars, they would’ve shot Kevin long before slipping on those damned Micro-Machines. You can find the movie on any television channel at any time between now and Christmas, thus Home Alone comes dangerously close to leaving permanent overexposure scars in our eyes.





Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966)
Detractors who prefer Ron Howard’s awful live-action movie The Grinch should be ashamed of themselves; that garbled Jim Carrey performance is less Grinch and more like, well, Jim Carrey. Chuck Jones’ original cartoon is unbeatable. It’s a timeless piece of work, shows little-to-no signs of aging, avoids creating a nonsensical backstory, and most importantly stays true to the source material. Narrated by Boris Karloff and featuring oodles of memorable songs, it’s a classic in every sense.






It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
Even other Christmas movies admit this is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. But, in fact, Frank Capra’s picture is a big downer. This is punctuated when our protagonist contemplates suicide by throwing himself off a snowy bridge. The plot seems to justify his decision, as we're shown that his life stinks; and then, George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) suddenly has an epiphany—he realizes life does not stink. How can that be, with everything we’ve just seen? Well, the insight at the end, as unbelievable as it may be, never ceases to bring up the tears. Capra was an idealist, so any other ending but a happy one remains implausible. Sometime in the 1990s, Saturday Night Live performed a skit featuring the “original ending” where the townspeople beat the heartless Mr. Potter to death. Plausible? Perhaps.



The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Watching Oscar-winner Michael Caine interact with Muppets is one of the great joys of cinema. Imagining the actor, whose roles in Sleuth and The Cider House Rules define great acting, chit-chatting with Gonzo between takes just fills my heart with happiness. There have been better Scrooges, such as Alistair Sim or Patrick Stewart, but their respective versions of Dickens’ classic don't have Muppets, now do they? Perhaps if they had, I’d be writing about Captain Picard and Fozzie Bear interacting. But seriously, this Muppet version of A Christmas Carol maintains warm laughs, merry songs, and a lighthearted approach to a sometimes frightening (there’s even ghostly Muppet Marley Brothers!) story of second chances. 




National Lapoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
At virtually any moment during December, you can flip through channels and find this movie airing. I avoid television screenings to evade the few censored moments otherwise not restrained on DVD, but sometimes it’s impossible. I get sucked in by frequent moments of madcap slapstick, not to mention Randy Quaid's highly quotable part. By the time Christmas arrives, I’ve probably watched this movie ten times in bits here and there. Regardless, Chevy Chase has never been better; that metaphoric glow in his eyes is matched only by the literal one, from the illuminating shine off his house.





The Ref (1994)
Back in Dennis Leary’s “No Cure for Cancer” days, when he still had balls, he starred in this anti-holiday flick centered on a burglar who kidnaps the wrong couple come Christmas Eve. That couple is played by Kevin Spacey (pre-smugness) and the underappreciated Judy Davis, two soon-to-be divorcees constantly at each others’ throats. Watch this movie for the swear-laden, monologue-guided insults imbedded into nearly every-other scene, spoken with fast and brutal hilarity. No one in this movie wants to celebrate Christmas and we’re taught little about the holiday spirit, but there’s enough laughs to make it an offbeat pleasure.




Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
Over the years, this stop-motion television special has become an oddity. I’ve watched it every year as far back as I can remember, and only recently has it stood out as… strange. Take, for example, when the narrator speaks for Donner, just after Rudolph and Hermey have run away together; he refuses to allow his wife along, telling her “No. This is man's work.” What a sexist. Also, what was Hermey doing in that snowbank? Why is Santa such a jerk? And what’s with that Charlie-in-the-Box? There’s some wild stuff going on under the surface here, which if ignored, arouses those nostalgia-based moments of delight. Since it aired already this year on television, click HERE to purchase it online.





Scrooged (1988)
Bill Murray’s wild performance headlines this free adaptation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Richard Donner (Lethal Weapon) directs, alas, without Muppets; instead, Buster Poindexter and Carol Kane play The Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present, respectively. Close enough to Muppets in my mind. Filled with brutal slapstick, rather creepy imagery, and surprisingly touching moments, this oddball movie maintains Dickens’ major themes. Murray plays a self-absorbed television executive who learns the true meaning of Christmas after meeting an assortment of ghosts, and then goes mad. Or perhaps he was always mad; you might think so after watching his network’s “Bob Goulet’s Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas” or “The Night the Reindeer Died”.




Happy Holidays!
Brian Eggert
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